Sitting at a table...

Honestly, I have to say that it's completely my fault I'm here. I can't blame anyone else for this, can I? *sigh* I've hit my very first plateau. My weight isn't going up, but it most definitely isn't going down. The last two weeks have been a little difficult (to say the least) with everyone getting sick, husband being gone and dealing with more depression issues than normal. The last few weeks have been really good with me seeing results almost every night. .4 pounds here, .3 there, and maybe even a whole pound in one day but this week the scale is making a mess of my sanity. Monday I was at 197.6 and then I started getting numbers like 199.0 and 201.2 and all sorts of craziness!!! This morning I was at a solid 198.8. *angry face*. I just want to be able to get going again and STOP going over 200 at night!! Seriously, is it too much to ask??

But, it's not all bad news I guess. This week the weather has been extremely bi-polar and we've gone from below freezing and snow to warm and sunny in the same week which means I can start walking to post again with my kiddo in his stroller. Is there anything better than a nice walk to calm the nerves and energize the body? I'd say you'd be hard pressed to find anything better for you! I definitely notice a HUGE difference in my moods when I get in even a small 30 minute walk. I've also started taking a Vitamin D supplement to help with my moods and see if that doesn't help. (So far, so good)

One more thing I wanted to talk about is quitting... I know it's hard for a lot of us bigger girls to look at the thin, in shape women around us and think, "Why can't I be like that?" I think our society's ideal of instint gratification has tarnished our belief that hard work WILL get us somewhere, eventually and it may not be a year or even two years from now.  I know I'll get there and it breaks my heart to see so many of the women that I started this journey with feeling like they aren't getting anywhere and quitting... I've made a commitment to myself, and my family that I won't quit. I can't quit, or I'll never know how far I can get. 

Little Moments of Cookie Sanity

After last week's epic puke-fest weight loss I did gain back some weight and got to 202.2 (oops) but I'm pleased to announce that I am now officially, ON MY OWN, under 200 at 198.4!

Since the beginning of this wonderful, painful journey I think I've found the answer to one of life's most diffucult questions... WHY CAN'T I SAY NO TO GIRL SCOuT COOKIES?!?!?!?!?! Well ladies and gentelmen, HERE is your answer-

Yeah, you see that?? They put crack in em!!! I knew it... This was thanks to my dear friend Cassandra #2. There's also something else I learned about myself in the last week and a half. You ready for this?

I'm not superwoman.

Yep. I'm just not. I can't go more than a day without sneaking into a cupboard to get a yummy cookie and I cry myself to sleep sometimes when I've had a particularly rough day (had a LOT of those last week) and I even make mistakes and forget to get babysitters. But you know what else? I am TOTALLY okay with not being superwoman. I've decided that having a cookie or even, heck, a WHOLE SERVING of cookies isn't going to kill me and it's not going to make me gain ten pounds. What it will do is give me a moment, just a smaaallll itsy, bitsy moment where I can jsut chew and enjoy. Food was meant to be enjoyed, not avoided. This doesn't mean that I should just stuff my face when I've had the worst day in recorded history. What this realization has taught me is that our lives are made up of little moments that help us keep our sanity so, enjoying that cookie is probably better for me in the long run. So, I've decided to just run a few more minutes and enjoy a few more cookies. For my mental health of course. 

In Sickness and in Health

I truly, honestly don't know how people can be bulimic. Thursday afternoon Matt came home with a nasty stomach bug and then Friday night one of my friends Cassandra came down with it and then Saturday morning Lisa and I both got it... Talk about being miserable! I threw up every three hours for a total of five times. So, fifteen hours of puking and I'm still suffering OTHER effects of the stomach flu (if you catch my drift). But, the bright light at the end of this horrible tunnel is that

I'M FINALLY UNDER 200!!!!

That 's right!!! You heard it here first folks, (unless you're on BBC) Lynalice Bandy is now officially at 199.0 as of this morning! This is so NOT the way I would have preferred to do it and I'm sure that in the next few days as I get my fluid levels back to normal I'll be back up to 201 or so but just seeing that beautiful number on the scale gives me so much motivation to get back to the gym once I'm better!! I can't wait!! Give me a couple of more days to recooperate and I'll be back at it! In retrospect, if someone had given me the option of gaining five pounds back or doing the stomach bug I SO would have chosen the five pounds. It's SO bad for your body to lose weight this way! I'm hoping that my body won't decided to pack it on extra tight since it's in starvation mode now... I'm gonna keep an eye on what I eat and stick to fruit and lean protein for a few days, you know, give the ol' carbs a rest. Wish me luck!!!

Pictures of Me...

Out of all the reasons I want to lose weight I've been giving a lot of thought lately about what my number one motivation is. Do I want to be healthier? Live longer? Fit into smaller clothes? Well, all of these apply but as I was looking through pictures on Facebook this morning, it hit me. I don't want  to have to look at myself like this in a picture EVER again. The immediately depressing feeling that hits me whenever I see myself in a picture is something that I'd rather not feel. Just to see how the world sees me... It's always a harsh does of reality since, when I look in the mirror, I don't see that girl at all! I swear, if I didn't know what I looked like in pictures, I'd think I looked like a size 8!

Since his weight loss my husband, Matt, has had a hard time with his self image. He looks in the mirror and still sees himself as fat and he often asks me if I think I'll have this problem after I lose weight and I can't help but think, "Nope..." The main reason being that I don't even see myself as fat NOW when I AM but then I see a picture of myself and it all comes crashing in... Waves of depression wash over my head and I want to just sink into the couch, never to be seen again. I want to be able to look at a picture and see what I FEEL I look like! I want my weight to reflect my confidence. You often hear that bigger women tend to have a hard time with self confidence and I have to say that I don't think I'm lacking in that department. So, here it is. My reason for losing weight. I want the world to see what I see. I don't want them to see this...

I want to be able to look back at pictures with my children and not have to worry about how overweight I was... I want my confidence to shine through. 

A Slimmer Singer

So tonight was the first real practice night for Oklahoma! and we FINALLY got to actually sing! I LOVE this music and I absolutely ADORE my little group of sopranos! We had so much fun tonight giggling over our mess ups and the men trying to get thier parts down... I can see this is going to be the beginning of some really amazing friendships.

Also tonight we got measured for our costumes and here's the really awesome part, I mentioned to the director and the costume designer that I'm working on losing weight and that I've lost about 5 pounds in the last two weeks and I asked if maybe they wanted me to stop losing so that the measurements would be accurate. Well, after a small deliberation she (the designer) told me she was going to do something she's never really done before. She marked down my measurements SMALLER than they really are only by an inch or so!! I was so excited!!! This means that NOW instead of just working on losing weight I have a GOAL!!!! I have something MORE than just working on hitting a certain number! I can't tell you how excited this makes me!! So, now I've got to start working my butt off since the production is in seven weeks and fittings are in five weeks!! Ah!!! This is going to be great!

Those Little Moments of Sadness

Today we finally got emails telling us what parts we got in Oklahoma! and...

"Congratulations! We would like for you to offer you a part as a member of the ladies ensemble in the Soldiers’ Theatre’s production of “Oklahoma!”.

You had an excellent audition and we are excited about casting the show! "

 I have to admit that, while it's an honor to even be in the production, I was a little saddened when I didn't get a better role... Now, before you judge me, it wasn't because I feel like I'm an amazing singer or because I thought that my dancing impressed the director (which, it didn't). I'm sad because, as a fat girl, it took a lot of courage to go up on that stage and sing and dance and be pitted against women who are, by far, much better looking and then to be put in the back made me feel...fat. I feel like, if only I weighed thirty or forty pounds less I would have had a better chance or if maybe I had longer hair or straighter teeth. I know that I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not looking forward to seeing who was actually selected for leading roles... If there does happen to be a larger girl in one of the roles I will immediately feel better since I will then know that I really do belong where I am and it's not because of how much I weigh. I just wish I could see what the director was thinking... I'm sure it will be fun anyway and I'm going to make it fun otherwise I'll just be miserable and that's just no good!

Courage in the Line of Dancing

Line of fire? Not so much... As part of my weightloss journey I've decided that it's time to start doing things I've always been afraid of doing because of my weight. No more being a wall flower, an observer to life. No, now it's time to put myself in the limelight and shine for all I'm worth and so tonight I auditioned for Oklahoma! I was terrified and I was going to chicken out but my friend Belinda gave me a good pep-talk and she did it with me! The singing part was okay I think... I did get cut off by the director and he did warn us that it might happen but I felt like everyone else got a chance to sing a lot longer than I did. All well. The BIG challenge came with the DANCING! I am NOT a dancer!! Grace and I? Well, we never really met... On the one part that the coreographer said we literally couldn't mess up because there was only one way to go, guess who found another way to go? Yep, this girl. It didn't help that I had a huge headache and my legs were still shaking from singing in front of a whole room of people... I'm gonna practice tonight and go back tomorrow and show them I can dance if given a chance to practice. Maybe. Hehehe...
Also, a few more of today's successes? I hit 202.2 AND I think I've talked two of my friends here into doing a 5K with mt on Saturday!!! Couldn't believe it! The weight of course was AFTER I worked out and AFTER I drank about 20 oz of water but I'll take it! I'm SOOOOOO close to being under 200 pounds I can taste it! (Tastes like tater tots in case anyone is wondering) I felt like Jillian Michaels today as I pushed my friend a little harder in her workout. It's an awesome feeling, helping others. Ladies, (and gentlemen) this is a time for us to shine and let the world know that we ARE worth something and that we DO believe that we can be amazing even if we have a few extra pounds hiding all of our awesomeness! Just remember: